Life of a Loser - The Invisible Scenes
by FountainPenguin
Summary: A short series of one-shots that never made it into my full fanfiction, "Life of a Loser"- mostly because Ezekiel wasn't around to narrate some of them. Consider them bonus scenes, and perhaps one of these days I'll even toss in a few more should inspiration strike. (Written September 2013)
1. How the TV Got Broken

**How the TV Got Broken** ("Mush-Head Sun-Baked")

Okay, he was impressed: having a TV that was connected to all the cameras was pretty wicked. Just by clicking buttons on the remote, Ezekiel could observe anything happening on the other side of the island, flipping from camera to camera. He could split-screen it too, and was watching the dodgeball game from four different angles when the sleepy Eva staggered in and _flump_ ed onto the opposite end of the couch.

"What's going on in here?" she mumbled, and then answered her own question by saying, "Oh, _sure_ they have the freaking sports challenge _right after_ I get thrown out."

Ezekiel shot her an uncomfortable look and reached up to rub his throat. Eva yawned and rubbed one eye, but her attention was all for the screen, so he looked back at it too. Together they watched as that chicken-hatted girl, the big dark-skinned guy, the party boy, and the guy with the weird green hair threw all four of their dodgeballs at that one really big kid. Owen, wasn't he? It was something like that.

"Hmm," Ezekiel heard Eva murmur, "I like Mohawk's style." Then, "I should be playing there right now."

"I'm… sure you'd be great, homes. Really, I think."

"Shut up, Homeschool."

The red team's dodgeballs came again. A dark-skinned girl went down, followed by Izzy, then the girl with the ponytail and glasses. After that it was a guy with dark hair and tan skin, and Eva sucked in a breath through her teeth and muttered, "Pretty-Boy."

There was an Indian kid sitting on the bleachers, reading a book. He looked up when Chef blew the whistle and stared out at the court, unimpressed.

"Come on, a little _effort_ out there, people," he called, and immediately pulled away, eyes darting, as Izzy and the dark-skinned girl glared at him.

"See that guy, homes?" Ezekiel asked, pointing him out to Eva. "He's been sayin' stuff like that the whole time, and he hasn't played e'en once."

"What? That's freaking stupid. Why not?"

He shrugged. "Dunno. Maybe he hurt his ankles or somethin'. Maybe he just don't like sports."

"Not like sports?" Eva spoke with the same tone she might have used for 'Not like ice cream?'

One team had pulled aside to plan their strategy, and the other had gathered around the bleachers. A girl with long, shiny black hair like Jessica's had apparently taken charge.

"Okay. Not that _Noah_ here cares" - the boy with the book glanced dully at her - "but we are _not_ losing another game to these guys, got it? And _where_ is Lindsay?"

She stomped away, and a few minutes later she had returned with a blonde girl in tow. After ordering her to sit down she asked Noah, "So how are we doing?"

At the same moment, a volley of dodgeballs slammed into the girl with glasses.

"Sports," Noah said without looking up. "Not my forté, remember?"

"This guy's a complete moron," Eva decided. The girl on-screen apparently had the same thought.

"You know, you _could_ actually give it a shot and at least _pretend_ to care."

The dark-skinned girl went down again. Noah's face had _Mm, yeah, I don't think so,_ written all over it.

Eva said, "Seriously. That should be _me_ playing out there."

Ezekiel also wished that Eva could be playing out there, as it meant she wouldn't be here with him. He was still hunkered down on the far side of the couch, one hand on the remote and the other resting protectively on his throat. He shifted one of the cameras, Eva snapped at him for it, and he fumbled to find the correct angle again. They both watched as Noah raised one fist and sarcastically said, "Go team, go," without raising his eyes from his book.

What a knob.

The game resumed. Apparently this was the tie-breaking round, and it certainly was a long one. The red team and the green team kept tagging each other out, catching the balls, bringing their respective players back in. Noah "cheered" them on from the sidelines.

"Knock 'em out, throw 'em out, rah, rah."

The blonde-ponytail girl threw the dodgeball, smacking Noah in the face with it. "Ow!" he shouted, dropping his book and falling backwards; only his feet stuck up over the bleachers. The girl clapped a hand over her mouth, but everyone else was grinning in amusement. The throw had certainly looked like an accident, but at the same time, Ezekiel wouldn't have been surprised if it wasn't. He chuckled, Eva snorted in amusement, and the black-haired girl on-screen smirked at her downed teammate.

"You're right. Sports aren't your forté."

"Hmm," Noah said. He righted himself, picked up his book, and went on reading like nothing had happened.

"I should be there," growled Eva, clenching her fists.

The blows began trading again, people swapping in and out. After being thrown out, a scruffy-looking boy with brown hair and a gap between his front teeth offered a dodgeball to Noah. One final offer.

Noah said, "Feh," and knocked it away with a backhand swipe.

"What the heck is that… that… fruitcake _doing_? Doesn't he know that if he doesn't help they're going to vote him off? How can he freaking just _sit there_ and act like _that_? If I were still in the dumb competition, those pussycats'd see how much they need me!"

Angrier and angrier, huffier and huffier, half-standing now. Ezekiel widened his eyes and sunk deeper into the couch cushions.

"It's not fair that he's still in and I'm stuck in this dumb place! It's not fair that he's just throwing away… that he's not trying… It's not fair that he got the chance to participate in a sports challenge and I _didn't_! He doesn't even want it! That's not fair! _That's just so freaking stupid!_ " Eva lunged forward, grabbed hold of the TV, and lifted it above her head. Wires snapped loose, sparks fizzled, and she turned and hurled the screen across the card room. It crashed and sort of rolled on its corners, then fell over face-down on the floor.

Ezekiel didn't know what to say. He was pinned to the couch, frozen, his knuckles turning white with how tightly he was gripping the cloth cover. A strangled noise came from his mouth: Something like "Uh, uh…"

Eva stared at the TV, her shoulders trembling, her lips twitching. Then she snorted and folded her arms, looking away from what she'd done. Her gaze fell on him.

"What?" she snarled after a few seconds, and when he didn't reply she stomped from the card room, calling, "Aw, forget this!" back to him over her shoulder.

"Ah…"


	2. Noah's Prank

**Noah's Prank** ("Bake It, You Buy It")

There was almost a cold edge to the silence. Her dumbbells made slight noises as she lifted them - little clicking metal noises - and it was almost unnerving. The gym back in Blackhill had always been full of sound. People running. Talking. Grunting. Laughing. Cheering. Back home she'd always had the TV to listen to or her parents to talk with.

By her own admission, Eva wasn't a fan of excessive noise, but she didn't like _silence_ either. Her MP3 player had run out of juice halfway through the Awake-a-Thon, and yesterday she'd been too tired to even think about searching through her things to find its plug. It was charging now, of course, safely tucked away in her room, buried under a sock or two…

Her thoughts were just going in circles. This was dumb. If nothing else, she could at least head back outside and maybe… try to… sort of… talk with that dumb guy, the one with the 'N' name, the one who wouldn't play dodgeball, or that - yeesh - sexist homeschooled kid. She'd be stuck with them for another seven weeks, so she might as well get used to their dumb company.

Eva replaced the training equipment back where it belonged, righting punching bags, tucking little weights away. Her own dumbbells were carefully bundled up in her duffel bag, which she'd tossed not far from the door. Homeschool and 'N' probably wouldn't set foot in here at all, and even if they did, neither of them would dare to touch her stuff. They knew she could tear them apart. She was like a jaguar, lurking, watching…

Okay, she really needed to go outside. She needed to talk to someone - anyone - just for the sake of _sound_. She also needed to use the bathroom. On the way down the hall, Eva passed the card room. The door was open, and she could see two interns crouched over the TV set she'd attacked yesterday, both with their hands full of plugs. One glanced up as she passed, and Eva winced inwardly and hurried on. She had such awful temper tantrums. What was she, a three-year old in a toy store?

Thoughts. Circles.

Eva found the bathroom. She glanced back in the general direction of the card room. Sighing slightly to herself, she opened the door…

… and caught herself yelping when a bucket of icy water plunged down on her head.

For an entire moment she stood there, spluttering and confused. What the heck? Had Homeschool…? No, of course not. He was clearly terrified of her- He'd never dare pull such a thing and risk having her come after him. So that left the 'N' kid, but why…"

" _Gossips never prosper,"_ he had said when he'd overheard her telling Homeschool about the ear-kissing incident during the Awake-a-Thon challenge.

… Dang. Who could have guessed that the scrawny fruitcake was actually brave enough - or stupid enough - to follow through on that veiled threat of his? He had lightning nerve and steel guts- she'd give him that. Wiping water from her eyes, Eva took a step forward. Her wet ponytail slapped hard against the back of her neck, dripping icy cold and sending chills down her spine.

This would not do. Eva left the bathroom behind and instead headed up the hall to her own room.

It took several minutes to rub the freezing droplets from her hair, and once she had finished, Eva stomped outside. She flung open the main door with one hand and held the other up in a fist. Homeschool immediately flattened himself back against his chair, eyes wide with terror, but she ignored him. 'N' glanced up at her approach, sighed, and set his book down on a small sidetable. Eva grabbed him, one arm around his chest just beneath his own arms and the other tightly wrapped around his middle. _ He didn't fight her as she marched over and pitched him into the pool. He surfaced again a few seconds later, sputtering only slightly, and reached out to the cement with one hand to steady himself.

Brave or stupid. Or maybe a little mixture of both.

Eva folded her arms as she stared down at him, struggling to keep any traces of amusement from showing on her face as she watched him.

"Rigging a bucket of ice above the door to the bathroom? Huh. Didn't know you had it in ya, but I like your style, Fruitcake." She reached out for him them, taking hold of his wrist and pulling him up without waiting for him to ask. "Truce?"

He regarded her for a suspicious second, and once she had released his hand, he shrugged. "Meh."


	3. How Not to Open a Coconut

**How Not To Open a Coconut** ("Gone Fishin'")

They both denied Ezekiel's offer of hunting crayfish, and with similar half-lidded gazes they watched him head into the forest, juggling four glass jars in his arms.

"Thirty-seven cents says he'll run into a bear and die."

Eva frowned at him. "Only thirty-seven?"

He shrugged and sipped the remaining water from his coconut, then reached beneath his chair for another one. "Really, it's not _that_ likely. I mostly just wanted to say it." Finding his next coconut, Noah looked it over and then cracked it on a nearby side-table. Some of its liquid sloshed a bit, but most of it was still inside. Like the first, he drank this too.

"What?" he asked, lowering it when he saw Eva looking at him a little funny.

"I… was not expecting you to be strong enough to break that open, Fruitcake."

Ah, a rookie, then. Noah saw the opportunity instantly. Trying to hide his smirk, he pulled out a third coconut and tossed it to her. She caught it without any sort of 'Thank you' and casually hit it against the side-table.

Nothing happened.

"What the heck?" Eva lifted the coconut above her head, Noah immediately covered his face with his hands, and there was the sound of the nut slamming against the table. Little pieces of it splattered against his arms and landed in his lap. Eva was now staring, shocked, at the mess she had created. Then she shook her head and held out one hand. _Next, please._

There were no more coconuts to be found under his chair. Noah pointed across the plaza, indicating that she could just as easily fetch one herself, but Eva only glared at him. Shrugging absently, he stood and gathered several, offered her one, and sat back with the rest to watch the show.

Eva bumped the new coconut against the table, gently. That had no effect, so she tried hitting it with slightly more force, working her way up until this coconut too sort of exploded on them.

"It's like this." Noah took a coconut and broke it open with one hit.

"How did you do that?"

"I'm half-Indian."

"That is not a legitimate reason. Give."

Noah passed her a third coconut. This one met the same fate the other two.

"No, like _this_ , Iron Woman."

Eva ground her teeth. They clicked almost like metal. "I'm doing exactly the same thing that you are, Fruitcake."

She would get a lucky hit in eventually, but Noah knew that could take some time. A fourth coconut. A fifth. The seventh she tried with little effort, then raised it over her head ("Aw, forget this!") and smashed it to the ground as hard as she could. After that she slumped back in her pool chair, legs pulled up close to her chest, arms folded.

Noah split open another coconut just to spite her. She snatched it from him as it started to break, her fingers wedging their way into the slight crack. It shut on her, and she gave a yelp and smashed it too. Dozens of pieces of coconut shell now lay scattered around them. Noah picked one up and pretended to examine it, shrugged, and went back to reading his book. Eva watched him for a few seconds, then sprang from her chair and ran across the plaza. She pushed over the buffet table, kicked a small inflatable beach ball into the water, and ran over to grab hold of the grill.

"Five bucks says you can't."

"I could too!" she shouted at him. "Just watch me!" With some effort she ripped the top cover from the grill - along with a good chunk of the rest of it - and hurled it into the pool.

Noah's lower jaw plopped into his lap.

Oh. Shoot.

Eva whirled on him, her fists clenched, her eyes narrow, her shoulders trembling, her lips twitching. "Well?"

It took him a few seconds, but he finally managed to say, "You win," and sank deeper into his chair. He'd be lying if he said he wasn't at least a little bit scared now. A little bit.

There were a few seconds of silence, during which he watched Eva stare into the pool. Her expression slowly shifted from angry to uncomfortable.

"I'm not going to have to pay for that, am I?"

Josh hovered at the smoothie station, watching them both curiously and rubbing a glass clean with a rag. He shrugged at Eva's question and said, "Y'know, Zeke's been gone a pretty long time. Maybe you two should go looking for him."

"No," Noah said, maybe a little too quickly, but the idea of walking around the forest with _Eva_ just after _that_ did not appeal to him. "No thanks. I'm good."

 _Crystal shook her head and reached to take back the scroll. "If it's all the same to you, I'd like to deliver it in person."_

 _Henry resisted, she tugged on the paper, and finally he gave in. If she was indeed who she claimed to be, the last thing he wanted to deal with right now was a furious bloodthirsty sorceress._

Wow. What were the odds? Noah risked another glance over his book in Eva's direction. She held his gaze, and after a few seconds of this he sat up and closed his book again.

"Would you like me to-?"

" _Please."_

"It's quite simple if you know how," he told her, reaching for one of the few coconuts that still lay whole and pure. He held it up as Eva trailed to his side. "See these three holes?"

"It looks like a dumb bowling ball."

"Right. Well, imagine it's a face. See, these are the eyes, which makes this the chin and this the forehead."

She took the coconut, studied it briefly, and nodded to show that she understood.

"Put your fingers here, as if you were touching its eyebrows."

Another nod.

"Now, right here on the edge of the table, hit it hard - don't smash it, just a strong tap - on its so-called chin."

Eva did, and the coconut fell open into two vaguely equal halves. Noah watched her eyes light up, and with some relief he sat back in his chair again.

"Nothing to it, really."

"Does this work on real people's heads too?"

"Uh, sure… Ever heard of gray matter?"

"Well, in that case-" She reached one hand towards his face as if intending to put her fingers on his eyebrows too. His reaction was automatic- Noah flattened himself back against the pool chair, arms spread and fingers clutching for something to tighten into, pulling his knees up to his chest. He stared at her with unblinking, bulging eyes.

"That… that was a joke, Fruitcake."

Oh. Of course. That made sense.

Flushing inwardly, he mumbled out a slight, "Whatever," and reached again for his book.


	4. Fishcakes

" **Fishcakes"** ("The Unforgotten and the Unforgiven")

There were strange thumps echoing up from the basement.

Justin paused and put his ear to the door, trying to decide if whoever was down there was someone worth letting out. Which did kind of sort of more or less included everyone other than Noah. If it _were_ a someone: It could just as easily have been a dog or raccoon. Justin wouldn't have been all that surprised to find that Chris had stashed a bear in there.

"Hello?" he called, taking a step back from the wood. "Is anyone-?"

The door flew open and smacked him hard across the face. Justin reeled away, clutching at his injured nose.

" _Ow_! Ow, oh, that stings! The pain. It's in my face. Oh, ow, ow, ow."

At the same time, whoever had been in the basement began to laugh maniacally.

"Oh wow, sorry Justin! If Izzy had known that was you, she so totally would have been more gentle!"

Still rubbing at his cheek, Justin forced a smile. "I'll be… fine. Thanks for your concern, Iz. Ah. Why don't you come out of there now?"

Izzy opened her mouth to reply, then shut it again, looking thoughtful. "Did you just ask Izzy out?"

"What?"

"Oh, never mind, heh heh heh. Hey, as long as you're here, do you think you could lend me a hand with something?" She pointed down the basement stairs. "I found this huge cardboard box down there that I want to use as a time machine, but Izzy will have to put down her fishcakes if she's gonna move all that junk on top of it, and if she does then the rats are gonna be all over these babies."

"Fish… cakes?"

She held up the tray of hashbrowns or fish-stick-patties or whatever the heck those things were. "Yeah, fishcakes, see? You can have one if you want. Izzy can share."

"Why do you have-? Never mind." Justin stepped through the door and fumbled for a light switch. Finding one, he turned it on. A dull fluorescent light, hazy and buzzing and flickering, came on overhead. It lasted for about ten seconds as Justin picked his way down the stairs, and then it went out.

"Okay," he said. The light from the other side of the door cast a square of light over the ground, marred by an Izzy-shaped shadow as she bounded down to join him.

"See that corner? It's over there."

She had warned him that there were rats in here. Keeping a wary eye on the surrounding shadows, Justin crossed the floor. Izzy cackled again behind him.

"Haha, fishcakes."

"What's the deal with the fishcakes? And why didn't you just leave those at the top of the stairs?"

"Izzy likes feeding the rats."

"But you just said-"

"Here it is," Izzy cried, and kicked at a box full of blankets. "The huge, flat, folded-up one under all this junk."

Justin picked up the box of blankets. "Well, might as well bring these to the card room. I guess. It's always cold in there, and we won't be getting any use out of 'em if they're left down here."

"Unless someone ended up, like, getting locked in the basement all night or something."

"Izzy, I seriously doubt that would ever-"

A rat scuttled out at them. A hideous thing with jagged teeth and scrappy fur and long claws and a scaly pink tail. Justin yelped and stumbled backwards as a second rat joined it. Beady red eyes. A third.

Izzy cried, "Hey, these are Izzy's snacks! If you want 'em, you have to earn 'em! Roll over! Play dead!"

"Fishcakes! Give them the fishcakes before they attack!" Justin spun around and fled towards the stairs. Halfway up one of his flip-flops caught awkwardly on an edge and he slipped. He heard the sound of cardboard scraping, the sound of rats squeaking, and then the sound of feet thumping as Izzy hurtled in his direction. Justin scrambled up the stairs, Izzy's shoulder brushing against his own, and they burst into the hallway at the same time. Justin slammed the door shut behind him.

"Rats," he whispered. "Dozens of horrible, ugly little…"

Izzy leaned her flattened piece of cardboard against the wall. "We just went out the door together."

Justin still clutched the box blankets, and he frowned at the plate of fishcakes that Izzy had stubbornly clung on to. "Yeah?"

"We just went out together."

"Yeah, we just… Wait, we… What?"

Izzy grinned now, her tongue lolling from her mouth as she panted to catch her breath. "Haha, we totally just _went out_!" Then she punched the air. "Woo-hoo, all right! Score two points for Izzy! She just went out with the hottest guy at camp!" Izzy dropped the fishcake tray into his blanket box and sprinted away, shouting, "I've gotta go tell all the others! They're never gonna believe me!"

Then she was just gone, like a snapping whip. Justin was left alone, taken aback, outside the basement door. Then he rolled his eyes around.

"Crazy fishcake girl," he muttered, and headed off to put the blankets in the card room.


End file.
